I agreed to go to a meeting because my therapist helped me see that, recently, alcohol had become a problem for me. I was drinking regardless of my other obligations: family, friends, work.

After a month I slipped, publicly, and went to rehab, where I realized - again with help - that I had been having a problem for a few years. Patterns of behavior, usually but not always fueled by alcohol, suddenly became apparent. Hell, they became obvious.

After a couple of years in the program, as the fog very slowly started to lift, I recalled habits from much earlier in my working career (at that point about fifteen years in the past) that were clearly the signs of a sick individual. My excuse at the time was that I was overwhelmingly underemployed, and I could do my so-called job better than anyone else, drunk or high or whatever. Dammit.

See where this is going? I’ve now got memories from college, military service, and high school that remind me that my thoughts and behaviors have ALWAYS been different. From day one, I was never a social drinker, I never had a reasonable perspective on what was okay or not okay. And I assume that I’ll continue to uncover new and exciting ways I’ve been weird and twisted farther and farther back.

But that’s okay. I can’t change how I was. But I can pay attention to it, and watch out for similar things now.